All posts tagged advocate

Mediating Between the Factions

To resume where we left off, I needed to stand up to my father, no matter his blustering reaction to being called on the carpet for his self-centered attitudes. Gosh knows, I have the internal mettle.

Had I done so, Mommy’s final days may have seen less suffering.

Admittedly, it would have taken significant commitment to draw out her flickers of inner wisdom. However, during her more lucid moments on the pathway to decrepitude, I’m 100% certain she could have been willingly persuaded to enter an assisted-living facility.

There’s an under-belly to Intention.

Clearly, she required far-improved care over what was possible in their residence no matter how well-meaning were her daily caregivers.

Recall though, my ulterior motive at the time was to avoid confrontation and involvement at all costs. Thus, I was only too happy to accede to my father’s dictatorial voice. No questions asked.

Do you start to see the importance of examining the underside of one’s actual intentions?

Had my genuine spirit been one of stopping at nothing to ensure the best possible outcome for my mother, a very different conversation would have ensued.

Here’s what was called for.

Let me ask you this: In your career, have you ever encountered times where you’ve been called upon to bring together two corporate warring factions? I have. And, I would access the very same process we used to resolve feuding tension between Sales and Customer Service to cope with your Un-cope-able Parents.

Essentially, we facilitated several meetings – one at which only Service was permitted to air their beefs while Sales listened. At the next, roles were reversed. Only at the third meeting were both entities allowed to engage in two-way dialogue.

Ultimately, it took about four to five sessions to generate a mutually-satisfactory game plan. Even then, ongoing monitoring was required to prevent slippage into unproductive behavior patterns.

What Being states are called for to Advocate?

The entire series was labor-intensive – yet worth it. Everyone bought in and we achieved win-win results all around.

To achieve these outcomes, we needed to remain Neutral and Open to invite every individual’s perspective to the proverbial table.

Had our mediation team been off in Never Land while these critical discussions occurred, it’s a surefire bet the conclusions reached wouldn’t have addressed everyone’s requests.

Advocating For Both Parents

Are you ready for the first letter within the acronym ACTION? It stands for Advocate.

What definition comes to mind when you think of that term? As a verb, you likely summon the idea of defending. As a noun, you conjure a person who supports or pleads in favor of another.

True. Yet, I’m not entirely using Advocate in the same context as would care-giving professions.

The accepted advice is that family members must be activists intervening with healthcare and other agencies on behalf of their loved ones. An underlying assumption is that many systems are structured in order that only the squeakiest wheel gets the grease.

May I share my definition?

I have only to remember how often such championship was necessary during my father’s waning weeks in hospital. Believe you me, I totally get it!

Advocate for our purposes, though, means you create a safe environment where both parents have the floor to speak their needs with you as their mediator. Cast your mind toward children and teenagers, between whom a full-blown squabble can ignite in about two seconds flat!

Just like you need to be the “sane” one during that hormone-laden era, so too do you need to be the channel through which each parent’s truth flows as they age.

Perhaps your scenario is like mine.

Does one of your folks strive to dominate by imposing their will at every juncture?

Within my parents’ highly-structured marriage, you can just imagine how hard and long my father argued to keep my mother bed-ridden in their home right until her last breath. It simply did not “suit” to put himself “out” by visiting her at a long-term care residence nearby – despite how possible this would have been.

Instead, even as death beckoned, he maintained the iron-like reins of power in his controlling hands. Just as it had been across 50-plus years of married life, why would “until death do us part” change that dynamic?

My lesson…

Given my father’s vested agenda in the status quo, someone should have stepped forward to more stridently represent my mother’s “side”.

That “someone” ought to have been me as her only child. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I would have very differently handled that aspect of seeing my Mom through her transition.

Please don’t let this regrettable lesson happen to you.