“The Driving Test – Part 1”

Are you ready for your next ACTION-oriented Key to Coping? I anticipate your answer is yes, as one can never have too many strategies for dealing with Un-cope-able Parents!

Let me start by asking you this: How confident do you consistently feel as to whether you’re getting accurate or complete information about your parents’ true state of affairs? Right! You’d receive conflicting reports depending on what day of the week – sometimes what hour or minute – you inquire!

You garner only the content one (typically the bossy partner) or both want you to know (when they collude).

A quintessential driving story!

Never more accurate than during the episode we shall aptly entitle “The Driving Test”…

This tale dates to November 2010. I know only one fact for sure. Something happened between the first and fifth of that month.

On November 1^st, my father was due to undergo Ontario’s bi-annual process for seniors over 80 years of age. This includes: attending a safety lecture with a qualified instructor; providing optometrist proof of a recent eye examination; and completing a multiple-choice written test to demonstrate supposed competence pertaining to the province’s rules of the road.

Notably, demonstration of actual capability behind the wheel via a road driving test is not demanded in Ontario at the time of publication. It should be. I will be vociferously speaking to this issue in subsequent Blogs.

Why clarification is so important.

At any rate, when we chatted that Monday, I learned – to my initial horror – my father did not walk out with official papers signed, sealed and delivered – the way he’d done at ages 80, 82, 84 and 86. It’s no hyperbole to state this was a shock to us both. For, despite all his braggart ways, he could justifiably claim a stellar record across 72 or so previous years.

To this day, I have yet to establish what exactly unfolded across the next four days. All I know is that by the Friday, he had signed papers in hand. What the H— had happened in the meantime??

Knowing my Dad as I do, I can only surmise a few possibilities: 1) He flubbed the written test; or 2) He was kicked out of the lecture. I rule out not having the appropriate optometrist paperwork, for that is something he would’ve diligently looked after around the time of “The Missing Glasses Episode”, which you already know only too well about!

Find out the solution next time.

At any rate, short of monitoring them 24 hours a day – which we’ve already established you’re not prepared to do for your difficult pair – some ability to discern what’s really going on is called for.

I believe the spirit of the ACTION, Clarify, is well captured by this quotation from Dwight L. Moody: “I have had more trouble with myself than with any other person.”

Mediating Between the Factions

To resume where we left off, I needed to stand up to my father, no matter his blustering reaction to being called on the carpet for his self-centered attitudes. Gosh knows, I have the internal mettle.

Had I done so, Mommy’s final days may have seen less suffering.

Admittedly, it would have taken significant commitment to draw out her flickers of inner wisdom. However, during her more lucid moments on the pathway to decrepitude, I’m 100% certain she could have been willingly persuaded to enter an assisted-living facility.

There’s an under-belly to Intention.

Clearly, she required far-improved care over what was possible in their residence no matter how well-meaning were her daily caregivers.

Recall though, my ulterior motive at the time was to avoid confrontation and involvement at all costs. Thus, I was only too happy to accede to my father’s dictatorial voice. No questions asked.

Do you start to see the importance of examining the underside of one’s actual intentions?

Had my genuine spirit been one of stopping at nothing to ensure the best possible outcome for my mother, a very different conversation would have ensued.

Here’s what was called for.

Let me ask you this: In your career, have you ever encountered times where you’ve been called upon to bring together two corporate warring factions? I have. And, I would access the very same process we used to resolve feuding tension between Sales and Customer Service to cope with your Un-cope-able Parents.

Essentially, we facilitated several meetings – one at which only Service was permitted to air their beefs while Sales listened. At the next, roles were reversed. Only at the third meeting were both entities allowed to engage in two-way dialogue.

Ultimately, it took about four to five sessions to generate a mutually-satisfactory game plan. Even then, ongoing monitoring was required to prevent slippage into unproductive behavior patterns.

What Being states are called for to Advocate?

The entire series was labor-intensive – yet worth it. Everyone bought in and we achieved win-win results all around.

To achieve these outcomes, we needed to remain Neutral and Open to invite every individual’s perspective to the proverbial table.

Had our mediation team been off in Never Land while these critical discussions occurred, it’s a surefire bet the conclusions reached wouldn’t have addressed everyone’s requests.